So I'm gonna get married!!
Let me first say, AWESOME!
Let me also say, in the context of life and life decisions, it's a commitment that both Aly and I would say involves a big step of faith. Neither one of us knows what the future holds or what it will look like. Big decisions like this have come before...choosing where to attend college, choosing to move to Nashville, choosing to move overseas...
At each front door of decisions in the past, we had no idea what was really inside. However, looking back on the things grace has done, we can see that God was clearly in it all the way, even when we lacked trust, thought we knew the way better, or tried to let our comfort rest in the things and security this world offers.
This decision to get married is a testimony to the faithfulness and goodness of God. We want nothing more than for His glory to be shared, to be revealed more...He is the name above all names, He deserves every bit and ALL of our worship. Jesus loved us first, and we can only love or be in love because of Christ.
It will be an adventure led by God. With that in mind, and trusting fully in His providence and sovereignty, we can worry less about our comfort here on earth and enjoy the ride to come. I'm not going to try and be Mr. "Big I know it all and have this marriage thing figured out." Quite the contrary. I have much to learn but I eagerly want to see the fun and joy, the struggles and pain, the future holds as we submit our lives to living out the Gospel for the purpose of His Kingdom come!!!
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
3.04.2010
7.26.2009
who's first in a relationship?
In many ways, being in a very close relationship, such as marriage, there is a strong intimacy and love for that other person in the relationship.
That is to be celebrated. A relationship where people can trust each other to such levels of baring-their-soul intimacy is a great thing. The love and security in a relationship like that, I imagine is an awesome thing to experience (I'm not married so I can't fully back up this post with a real-life experience). A developed and close-knit love helps each individual stand together and comfort each other amidst the world of evil, hate, and disappointment that we live in.
I think though, even in Christ-centered marriages, the influence of culture sometimes takes this idea too far. **This is where I acknowledge I lack clarity of insight having never been married. It's easy for me to say that a husband and wife should put Christ first and foremost in their marriage. Living that is something else.
Regardless, I really think it's true. Well, consider, if the other person were to be the primary focus in a relationship, that's going to eventually lead to disappointment. The fact of the matter is, no matter how great the other person is, no matter how deep and bonded the love of the relationship is, the other person is a sinner. More importantly, and what is a bigger deal, is that you are a sinner (I am a sinner). There's something there that will never allow a human relationship of love to be as perfect and pure as Christ's love for each one of His children.
I was reading in Genesis, and never picked up on this before. Before the fall, Adam and Eve DID live in a perfect relationship with each other, and it was pure, as God's relationship was to them. They were naked and not ashamed...then the fall happened, and the resulting sin produced some consequences. God says "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children; Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you." (Genesis 3:16)
so #1, giving birth is now painful. Giving birth to a child is perhaps the deepest proof, or "sign" of love between a man and a woman. Even greater than that is that giving birth is deep proof of God's love for both parents, His own children. God gives forth this incredible, miraculous blessing. What was meant to be an act of love without fear and completely joyous has turned into something painful and full of anxiety.
and #2 "your desire will be for your husband..." this line was really insightful. Before the fall, what was pure, what was holy, what was perfect leads me to think was the opposite of what this consequence. Eve's desire WAS for God. Now that the fall has occurred, the woman will desire her husband...she will gravitate towards loving her man more than God.
As Christian believers who seek to walk according to God's truth and live in holiness, I think we need to realize this. In spite of pop media and our general culture all around us encouraging us as much as possible to make idols out of our husbands or wives, and essentially put them up on pedestals, we need to be prayerful about putting Christ first in our lives, and walk in THAT desire. In doing so, I think we end up honoring and loving the spouse in a pure way far far greater than the alternative way of trying to love the spouse as #1.
That is to be celebrated. A relationship where people can trust each other to such levels of baring-their-soul intimacy is a great thing. The love and security in a relationship like that, I imagine is an awesome thing to experience (I'm not married so I can't fully back up this post with a real-life experience). A developed and close-knit love helps each individual stand together and comfort each other amidst the world of evil, hate, and disappointment that we live in.
I think though, even in Christ-centered marriages, the influence of culture sometimes takes this idea too far. **This is where I acknowledge I lack clarity of insight having never been married. It's easy for me to say that a husband and wife should put Christ first and foremost in their marriage. Living that is something else.
Regardless, I really think it's true. Well, consider, if the other person were to be the primary focus in a relationship, that's going to eventually lead to disappointment. The fact of the matter is, no matter how great the other person is, no matter how deep and bonded the love of the relationship is, the other person is a sinner. More importantly, and what is a bigger deal, is that you are a sinner (I am a sinner). There's something there that will never allow a human relationship of love to be as perfect and pure as Christ's love for each one of His children.
I was reading in Genesis, and never picked up on this before. Before the fall, Adam and Eve DID live in a perfect relationship with each other, and it was pure, as God's relationship was to them. They were naked and not ashamed...then the fall happened, and the resulting sin produced some consequences. God says "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children; Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you." (Genesis 3:16)
so #1, giving birth is now painful. Giving birth to a child is perhaps the deepest proof, or "sign" of love between a man and a woman. Even greater than that is that giving birth is deep proof of God's love for both parents, His own children. God gives forth this incredible, miraculous blessing. What was meant to be an act of love without fear and completely joyous has turned into something painful and full of anxiety.
and #2 "your desire will be for your husband..." this line was really insightful. Before the fall, what was pure, what was holy, what was perfect leads me to think was the opposite of what this consequence. Eve's desire WAS for God. Now that the fall has occurred, the woman will desire her husband...she will gravitate towards loving her man more than God.
As Christian believers who seek to walk according to God's truth and live in holiness, I think we need to realize this. In spite of pop media and our general culture all around us encouraging us as much as possible to make idols out of our husbands or wives, and essentially put them up on pedestals, we need to be prayerful about putting Christ first in our lives, and walk in THAT desire. In doing so, I think we end up honoring and loving the spouse in a pure way far far greater than the alternative way of trying to love the spouse as #1.
4.15.2009
marriage - not for everyone
I think I've posted on this topic before, but I had some more thoughts about it after some conversations and James, and wanted to share. I mean James in the New Testament, not my friend James, who is cool too.
"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." (James 3:18-4:3 NIV)
Marriage is not for everyone under the banner of Christ, although I think society wants to often tell us that. On the whole, it is probably safe to say that the institution of marriage in our society has been deteriorating. I recognize this. I think however, there's still a large underlying impetus or push to get married.
Having a "cultural push" to get married is not necessarily a great thing, especially when it is based on parameters outside the sanctity of marriage as defined by God. Marriage becomes an arrangement. Or a financial benefit.
But the point of this post is not to really talk about that. I wanted to talk more about Christians and the idea of marriage. With this cultural "push" to get married, people, both Christian or non-Christian, get married based on wrong motives, and this I think then leads to conflict within marriage.
Like James mentions above, I think the selfish desires people experience definitely apply to the realm of marriage and the desire to get married.
Girls and guys both value and are subject to this "gotta get married" strong cultural suggestion. There are so many things in our society that push this. Most girls from a young age start to dream about their wedding day and who they might marry. There's nothing necessarily wrong with this, but it can overshadow a more important dream or identity to be wrapped up in.
I hope I'm wrong, but in large part, it seems that the thoughts and dreams young girls are having are NOT about what spending eternity with Jesus might look like or what being Christ's hands and feet in our world might look like. I can't really say for sure, but I think this goes on based on what I understand mass media and culture communicates.
Guys have their culture thoughts and plans for marriage too, it's not just girls. Guys too can get overshadowed by the "what's in it for me" idea of marriage that drives the cultural push to get married. They may not dream about wedding days, but they dream or think about other things.
Marriage though, I think as the Lord would have it, is based on an incredible opportunity for service. It's like a 50 year mission trip, or however long you'll be married. Marriage at its core, should be about service, self-less, service and not selfish service. Marriage should be about helping the spouse grow closer in their relationship to Christ, for that is what matters most.
I don't think that's a pervasive cultural mentality.
We're all flawed I know. I'm not saying "oh, if you recognize any selfish desire in you, stay away from marriage!" God blesses brokenness. I think He can and often does bless brokenness that is mutually shared and identified. He blesses marriages even if they had orginally been built on selfish desires of the particpants involved. There's nothing short of His grace that He can't touch.
What I'm saying is that I think we should perceive marriage differently than our culture currently does. Not as a "what can it do for me?" but "how can I act like Jesus and serve and love this person and help them grow closer to the Father?"
"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." (James 3:18-4:3 NIV)
Marriage is not for everyone under the banner of Christ, although I think society wants to often tell us that. On the whole, it is probably safe to say that the institution of marriage in our society has been deteriorating. I recognize this. I think however, there's still a large underlying impetus or push to get married.
Having a "cultural push" to get married is not necessarily a great thing, especially when it is based on parameters outside the sanctity of marriage as defined by God. Marriage becomes an arrangement. Or a financial benefit.
But the point of this post is not to really talk about that. I wanted to talk more about Christians and the idea of marriage. With this cultural "push" to get married, people, both Christian or non-Christian, get married based on wrong motives, and this I think then leads to conflict within marriage.
Like James mentions above, I think the selfish desires people experience definitely apply to the realm of marriage and the desire to get married.
Girls and guys both value and are subject to this "gotta get married" strong cultural suggestion. There are so many things in our society that push this. Most girls from a young age start to dream about their wedding day and who they might marry. There's nothing necessarily wrong with this, but it can overshadow a more important dream or identity to be wrapped up in.
I hope I'm wrong, but in large part, it seems that the thoughts and dreams young girls are having are NOT about what spending eternity with Jesus might look like or what being Christ's hands and feet in our world might look like. I can't really say for sure, but I think this goes on based on what I understand mass media and culture communicates.
Guys have their culture thoughts and plans for marriage too, it's not just girls. Guys too can get overshadowed by the "what's in it for me" idea of marriage that drives the cultural push to get married. They may not dream about wedding days, but they dream or think about other things.
Marriage though, I think as the Lord would have it, is based on an incredible opportunity for service. It's like a 50 year mission trip, or however long you'll be married. Marriage at its core, should be about service, self-less, service and not selfish service. Marriage should be about helping the spouse grow closer in their relationship to Christ, for that is what matters most.
I don't think that's a pervasive cultural mentality.
We're all flawed I know. I'm not saying "oh, if you recognize any selfish desire in you, stay away from marriage!" God blesses brokenness. I think He can and often does bless brokenness that is mutually shared and identified. He blesses marriages even if they had orginally been built on selfish desires of the particpants involved. There's nothing short of His grace that He can't touch.
What I'm saying is that I think we should perceive marriage differently than our culture currently does. Not as a "what can it do for me?" but "how can I act like Jesus and serve and love this person and help them grow closer to the Father?"
10.13.2008
marriage and serving God
I think a prevalent goal that exists in our society is to marry. Well DUH you might say. Yes, I agree, the human race wouldn't be able to continue if marriage wasn't a really big deal. I don't necessarily believe that God has placed a specific desire in everyone's heart for a wonderful other of the opposite sex. I do think that God has placed a desire for community in everyone's heart, and that very well could look like a woman and a man married together (the most intimate form of community). Even looking outside of the Christian community, I think this would pan out in the statistics: people divorce quite a bit, marriage rates are down, but people still live with each other and don't tie the knot (be it for saving money or having sex). Marriage doesn't quite have the premium it used to, but being together surely has not gone away.
I've read about some communities of single men and women who live together under the banner of Christ, who live in community, but choose to remain single to be devoted to the Lord first and foremost. I think this offers an interesting example to think about.
Marriage is not a bad thing at all, please don't get me wrong. My married friends tell me it's an awesome thing. And I believe them. But, I find that there are a lot of Christian brothers and sisters who pursue marriage as a primary goal to accomplish in life. Culture surely has had an influence on this. Little girls start thinking about their wedding day when they are still in diapers. I think guys start thinking about marriage later and a bit more gradually, maybe around their early 20s, but it still can grow into a passionate desire to be married. Think about various aspects of our culture, a lot of structures and institutions are set up that lead towards encouraging marriage (once again, these aren't necessarily bad in themselves). I think even that awful cotillion stuff my mom made me attend in middle school was a part of this whole call to marriage from society. The result from all this is that I observe many times that Christian brothers and sisters often have a decent amount of anxiety related to just that, marriage. Finding a mate. "I'll never find Mr. Right" or "I'll just be one of those lonely old men." I don't see as heightened anxieties about serving the Lord or orienting a vocation towards serving the Lord. Culture has cultivated a huge premium on getting married, and it's like if somebody doesn't, they're deemed a big fat loser.
But that's culture's opinion. Not God's. Paul talks about marriage in 1 Corinthians 7. I mention this insightful passage of Scripture to encourage you to read it for yourself and see what the Holy Spirit reveals to you regarding marriage. Some things I observe about it: Paul never says or explicitly commands, "don't marry". Or "marry." He does not lay out any specific absolutes. He talks about the benefits of being single so that one would be free to serve the Lord without disagreements or distractions that may arise in a marriage. Biblical scholars note that Paul was single during his apostleship period of Jesus (most likely when he wrote 1 Corinthians), but was very likely married during the time he served as a zealous Jewish persecutor of Christians. Paul knew both sides, he speaks from experience, which gives him more credibility.
In our culture, I wish that Christians would desire to seek and serve Jesus first and foremost, and not necessarily count on marriage as a given in their life. That they would pursue the Lord above all, and that if an opportunity for marriage does arise as a way to strengthen their service to the Lord, that they would get married! DUH! There are many situations that two together serving the Lord is a stronger ministry TOGETHER AS ONE than two single individuals serving the Lord, and so they should get married (that being that they love each other and seek each other's best interests before their own)! Marriage isn't for everyone, and shouldn't be pursuit #1, as our culture so often seems to claim and encourage.
I've read about some communities of single men and women who live together under the banner of Christ, who live in community, but choose to remain single to be devoted to the Lord first and foremost. I think this offers an interesting example to think about.
Marriage is not a bad thing at all, please don't get me wrong. My married friends tell me it's an awesome thing. And I believe them. But, I find that there are a lot of Christian brothers and sisters who pursue marriage as a primary goal to accomplish in life. Culture surely has had an influence on this. Little girls start thinking about their wedding day when they are still in diapers. I think guys start thinking about marriage later and a bit more gradually, maybe around their early 20s, but it still can grow into a passionate desire to be married. Think about various aspects of our culture, a lot of structures and institutions are set up that lead towards encouraging marriage (once again, these aren't necessarily bad in themselves). I think even that awful cotillion stuff my mom made me attend in middle school was a part of this whole call to marriage from society. The result from all this is that I observe many times that Christian brothers and sisters often have a decent amount of anxiety related to just that, marriage. Finding a mate. "I'll never find Mr. Right" or "I'll just be one of those lonely old men." I don't see as heightened anxieties about serving the Lord or orienting a vocation towards serving the Lord. Culture has cultivated a huge premium on getting married, and it's like if somebody doesn't, they're deemed a big fat loser.
But that's culture's opinion. Not God's. Paul talks about marriage in 1 Corinthians 7. I mention this insightful passage of Scripture to encourage you to read it for yourself and see what the Holy Spirit reveals to you regarding marriage. Some things I observe about it: Paul never says or explicitly commands, "don't marry". Or "marry." He does not lay out any specific absolutes. He talks about the benefits of being single so that one would be free to serve the Lord without disagreements or distractions that may arise in a marriage. Biblical scholars note that Paul was single during his apostleship period of Jesus (most likely when he wrote 1 Corinthians), but was very likely married during the time he served as a zealous Jewish persecutor of Christians. Paul knew both sides, he speaks from experience, which gives him more credibility.
In our culture, I wish that Christians would desire to seek and serve Jesus first and foremost, and not necessarily count on marriage as a given in their life. That they would pursue the Lord above all, and that if an opportunity for marriage does arise as a way to strengthen their service to the Lord, that they would get married! DUH! There are many situations that two together serving the Lord is a stronger ministry TOGETHER AS ONE than two single individuals serving the Lord, and so they should get married (that being that they love each other and seek each other's best interests before their own)! Marriage isn't for everyone, and shouldn't be pursuit #1, as our culture so often seems to claim and encourage.
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